Time of the Apes [ edit ] [In response to Keiiche Abe's writing credit. Crow : Try not to pay any attention to that hideous pattern. Tommy : I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to sing. Joel : Good one, Frankie. We'll make fun of the movie, if you don't mind! Reporter : Everyone is asking the same question Servo : Why am I watching this? I'm starting to miss that part of the movie. Season 1 [ edit ] The Crawling Eye [ edit ] [Two mountain climbers have just spied the corpse of another.
It was torn off! Servo : You say that like it's a bad thing. All stops lead to a bloody death. You will do as I say. Joel : What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death? Servo : I don't think outside is the best place for fresh air right now. The Robot vs. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon. Commando Cody : Do you mind telling me why your men are carrying out that campaign of destruction on Earth?
Servo [as Retik] : It's an election year. Retik : Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion. Commando Cody : Why do you want to invade the Earth? Retik : Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses. Joel [as Cody] : Get a humidifier! Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.
Almada : So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god Tezcatlipoca. Joel [as Dr. Almada] : The god of decaffeinated coffee. Almada : They were discovered by the tribal priests. Almada] : They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew how to handle a hungry man.
Krupp unveils his creation, a "human robot". Krupp : Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test! Joel : The Cosmo sex quiz? Joel : [as Cody is fighting off a henchman] Just give him a headbutt. Give him a headbutt!
He's just wearing spandex on his head! God, that was dumb! Crow : Those are all Bob Mackie creations, aren't they? Mad Monster movie [ edit ] Servo : Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something?
Blaine : Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege! Joel : Tell that to the NFL! Blaine is pacing around aimlessly instead of fulfilling his promise to Dr. Cameron that he'd inject Petro with Cameron's werewolf serum. You told him you would. Don't pad your part! Cameron has successfully turned his gardener into a werewolf and back again. Cameron] : That felt good Now I'm going to turn my daughter into a woodchuck.
Fitzgerald : [viewing Cameron's lab] You seem to be excellently equipped. Servo [as Dr. Cameron] : Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers. Women of the Prehistoric Planet [ edit ] [Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.
Bradley : Hi-keeba! Servo : You know, I could watch that all day. Bradley attempts comic relief. Farrell looks into the bubbling pond that swallowed a crewman. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes. The Corpse Vanishes [ edit ] Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 short [ edit ] The Corpse Vanishes movie [ edit ] [After a bride "dies" at the altar, two men carry her out on a stretcher, still in her poofy wedding dress.
Lorenz eagerly receives the white bundle in his hearse. Lorenz prepares to inject his wife with a hypodermic needle. Lorenz] : Now you might feel a little sting Lorenz shrieks loudly.
Lorenz] : OK, a big sting. Crow : No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him.
Joel : [chuckles] OK Crow : They were all so stupid , they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life! Joel : [impressed] You, my friend, get a RAM chip! The Crawling Hand [ edit ] [In a diner, some kids are dancing around a jukebox. The owner of the diner walks up and turns it off.
Joel : This is just like Footloose. Joel [as Owner] : Unless they're on the menu. Is this From Here to Eternity? Servo : No, it just seems like an eternity. And you're "not with it"? Paul : "Stacked"? Crow [as Paul] : "Stacked" means you're really smart. Police Officer : Did you hear anything Crow [as Officer] : The sound of one hand clapping?
Weitzberg : Not a trace. Not a solitary trace. Joel : Must be a talent meter. Crow : Gesundheit. Joel : You're not supposed to do that Shoot him. That's your solution to everything.
Something gets in your way, you pull out your little gun and you gotta shoot them. Well mister listen, someday there's going to be a flying Rocketeer behind you who's going to shoot back. Robot Monster movie [ edit ] [Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man makes his first viewscreen contact with the last human survivors. Listen to me! Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left.
Joel [as Ro-Man] : We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you. Calculate your chances. Negative, negative, negative. Crow : He's so negative! It's like, there's a guy in a gorilla suit, and there's— he's got a robot head, and inside he's got kind of a bunch of clay… I mean, I've seen Dali paintings that make more sense than this movie does. Servo : Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between surrealism and costume-shop closeouts.
I rest my case. Servo [as Ro-Man] : Me-man? Ro-Man : Yes. To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?! Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy you. Joel [as Ro-Man] : Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice? Servo [as Great Guidance] : Do not violate ape law! Johnny : I think you're just a big bully, picking on people smaller than you are! The Slime People [ edit ] Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 short [ edit ] [Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.
Crow : Hip? The Slime People movie [ edit ] [After landing at a deserted L. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero". Crow [as Answering Machine] : Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now.
Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb. Crow : But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings. Servo : Even in Tijuana! Blonde hair. Servo : Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat. Crow : At night. Joel : In a fog. Crow : Hey Servo : What? Joel and the bots start booing and throwing things at the screen Robot Holocaust movie [ edit ] [Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk.
Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand?
Torque : Yes! Valeria : Do you unduhstand, old man? Servo : Yeah! It's young girl I don't understand. Valeria : Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything? Joel [as Jorn] : Yeah. Do you know Elmer Fudd? Valeria : Vewy well. Towque, go now. Daffy Duck? Crow : Gutter head. Moon Zero Two [ edit ] [Joel and the Bots enter the theater as the animated credits play. Joel : Yeah. Servo : Really bad music already, this is great.
Servo : Is this a Pink Panther movie? Servo : Why would they use cartoons? Joel : Uh, so astronauts could understand them. Servo : [dubiously] Ah. Kemp : He's probably waiting at Moon City. Clementine : Mmm, that's what the man said. Kemp] : Don't you listen to what the man says. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he? Servo [as Farmhand] : Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop. This is how their image of prison is. Jane : Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there!
And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song. Crow : Maybe it's Aida. Bob Steele : That's the worst part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her name. Crow : She shoulda died at Cheers — then everyone woulda known her name. Joel : What in the world does that mean? Servo : I don't wanna know.
The Black Scorpion [ edit ] [Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle. Joel : Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying! Narrator : … having reached a height of 9, feet within a few days… Servo [as Narrator] : And then tragedy struck — we ran out of stock footage! Maybe we can get some water up there.
Artur : Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer. Let me dip it in water first. Joel : Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed! Crow : Only mounted. Velazco reviews their situation. Velazco : But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First— Servo [as Velazco] : We're small. We can run fast. Velazco : Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it.
Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic. Crow [as Velazco] : And we have giant foot pincers! Uh, no, wait — that's the scorpion's good point. Canned people. Scorpions just love trains. Crow : I'm for it. Joel [as Tooter Turtle] : Hellllp, Mr. Crow [as Other Astronaut] : Nonsense! Servo [as King Arthur] : Run away! Run away! Joel [as Tooter Turtle] : I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore! We gotta get outta here, Scooby!
Crow [as Mr. Wizard] : Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome! Servo [as Mr. Wizard] : Time for zis vun to come home! Nothing more depressing than being locked in a capsule watching a movie about people dying in a capsule.
Joel : Yeah, why couldn't you just show us Marooned? Forrester : We couldn't get it! The Sidehackers [ edit ] [Rommel and Rita roll around in some grass while the scene fades using a white-out effect] Joel : This grass Paisley : Why can't I reach you?
Crow : There's a ladder in the way. Crow : Not a good brother Big Jake : He hit Big Jake! Jungle Goddess [ edit ] The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 short [ edit ] [Crow continues his Lugosi monologue about the actors as the credits list the remaining players.
I say, " Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy. Joel [as Mike] : Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from a foreign planet.
It's kronotite. Mike : Are you sure? Bob : I'd stake my life on it. Crow : That's already in the kitty, Bob. Crow : White fascist getting smart? School must've assigned you a keeper. Don Pringle : Don Pringle. Crow [as Don] : Heir to the potato chip fortune. I hate impressionists! Servo : Prince , I hope you're watching this!
Joel : I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs! Crow : Little Richard: the one true talent in this film! Katrina : His name is Angelo. Various Cascades : Yeah! Let's do something. Rocket Attack U. Joel hosts. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? Servo : Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover? Joel : Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please?
Joel : Is right for five points. Joel [as Manston] : That's why we've got to crush them! Joel : You mean an actor becoming President? Joel [as voice on other end] : Hello, are you wearing rubber underwear? General : Yes! Crow : [After a car has taken an abnormally long time to park] Nobody will be admitted during the breathtaking car-parking sequence! And I had the A. Mather gets off the phone with his girlfriend. Life does begin at My legs are old, my teeth are grey… [The scene in the graveyard fades to a close-up of a desk] Crow : I'm a lamp.
The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 short [ edit ] [Dr. Zorka shows the chauffeur the "source of his power," which looks like a patterned cube] Crow [as Bela Lugosi] : It's called a Rubiks Cube. Don't screw it up! Wild Rebels [ edit ] [Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter. Don't eat 'em. Servo : If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting.
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